At the beginning of every year I always choose a word that carries my hopes and expectations for 2020. I had chosen "Contentedness" as my word and had made a simple mood board of what this meant to me. A sparsely decorated room with curtains blowing in the breeze, a photo of hands kneading bread, a black and white photo of Audrey Hepburn sipping coffee outdoors and reading at home, a photo of a couple eating under an arch of string lights...

Simple things. Quiet things. Contentedness things.

What does it mean to be content? To be truly happy with all you have? To be grateful for everyday, every moment, for the challenges, the triumphs, the loses, the wins?

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and see a reflection of a woman that has a childlike spirit and an old soul. It sometimes gets confusing. Most often I look at myself and think "You are so very, very lucky." My mother in law once told someone that I'm one of the most grateful persons she has ever met. Maybe in a past life I did enough good things to warrant this life's rewards. Simple as they may be to some. 

Perhaps I am so grateful because, well, as sensitive and deeply personal of a topic this is, I know I'm not suppose to be living and breathing on this Earth. Maybe this is why I am constantly in awe and grateful to witness how the sky looks when it is ablazed in violets and corals at sunset, how dew glimmers in the sun like polished diamond orbs, how light dances in our living room because of a playful breeze in the trees... 

Perhaps I am grateful because many moons ago, my Mother, at 22, decided to keep her unborn baby despite the shame it brought to her family and ultimately being cast out. That I was given a chance to live. It is sobering, humbling, and grounding. 

I know this post is a bit heavier than some of my other posts, but I wanted to share some of my heart and what has been on my mind the past week since I find I'm always more in deep thought this time of year than any other time. I hope in this season you are able to spend time reflecting on the good that you DO have in your life. There IS good, even if it isn't the most apparent to you. 

Count your blessings. Remember to be grateful. Be kind always. It costs you nothing to be kind and your kindness may be priceless for someone else. 

This quote is taken from this article: "Prepare for the Ultimate Gaslighting" which was a piece reflecting on Covid-19, though I feel it can be applied to the current landscape of #BlackLivesMatter and the social and political conversations and actions happening right now.

While I believe we all want peace and we all want the freedom to pursue happiness, I recognize that the tools given to each of us are not all created equal. 

It's a bit like someone saying "You can have this delicious cake right here... but person A you get a fork, it's beautiful stainless steel and shiny (and new!) Person B, you get a plastic spork. Person C you get this plastic knife. Person D, well sorry, we ran out of utensils but this wooden popsicle stick will probably do the trick!"

I think it is perfectly ok for you to recognize that from the beginning the system isn't set up fairly for everyone to get a chance at eating the cake. Recognizing this doesn't make you a bad person. 

If you are white, most likely you are given the beautiful shiny fork. Not all the time, but well like a lot of the times. I am an immigrant woman of color and I can say with my upbrining I might be given the plastic knife, maybe even the spork on occasion if I'm going to be really honest with myself because I grew up in an interracial household. I recognize this. Despite the fact I have experienced racism myself, I recognize that the tools given are not all equal for the desired result: eating delicious cake! 

I have started to do my own research and to look into myself and ask "Am I racist?" No, no I'm not.

But am I anti-racist? Well, here in lies the discomfort for me. And perhaps you share in this discomfort with me. It's OK. We're here, we're aware, and we're going to take steps forward. I won't ever claim to have all of the answers or even any or be an expert on any of this. Truthfully, my own journey and personal story of acknowledging how I have experienced racism in nuanced and large ways is something I am (painfully) going through right now and will be for awhile.  

I'm ok with the discomfort. What I'm not ok with is tearing people down. Please, let's be kind to one another. 

A friend of mine shared this link: "7 Ways To Be An Effective Ally For The Black Community, Because Virtue Signaling Is Not It" and I found it so very useful! It lead me to a lot of different resources and most notably to a woman named Rachel Cargle, a public academic, writer, and lecturer. 

I watched her Ted Talk "Coming To Terms With Racism's Inertia: Ancestral Accountability" and in it she defines what it really means to be an ally for the black community. 

Knowledge + Empathy + Action = True Ally

"It's these three things you must bring together in order to truly show up in solidarity. Taking out any part of that equation lends either to the ego or to performance" - Rachel Cargle

She does not tell you WHAT knowledge (she says Google still works people...) Nor does Rachel tell you WHAT KIND of ACTION to take, just that all three must be present or the equation does not work.

Is it fair to assume we all must know by now what empathy is and how to practice it? But I will define it because empathy is often confused with sympathy.

em·pa·thy
/ˈempəTHē/
noun
the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

sym·pa·thy
/ˈsimpəTHē/
noun
1. feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune

(There is a second definition, but for the intent of this post, I am just posting the one above)

So to be a true ally, we cannot simply just be sympathetic.

Let's take it back to my cake example. I don't know why I love referencing food, maybe it's because I am always hungry, but if you are practicing empathy you will recognize that not only is it unfair that you have been given the advantage of the shiny new fork, but you will say "Hey friend, why don't you use my fork? I know that popsicle stick isn't that useful and you seem frustrated. Here take my fork. That cake looks delicious! Enjoy it!" 

Yay, cake!

Sympathy in this example looks like this: you're looking around at everyone, recognizing that everyone has different utensils and think "Awww, those people got popsicle sticks. That's so sad (but, OMG thank God I have this awesome fork though!)"

I hope my cake analogy doesn't offend anyone, especially avid collectors of cutlery and bakers. It's not a perfect presentation, but as I'm writing this, it is what makes sense in my pastry loving head.

For me, writing this post is how I am trying to be an ally. I may not be doing it perfectly or even "how I'm suppose to" but I am trying in earnest. I also know mypiggywiggy is a place for beautiful and lovely things and it will always be that, but I do think it is important for us to be uncomfortable sometimes but feel like it is safe to ask questions, to learn, to grow, and to become better together.

I have no room and space in my heart or in the sphere of mypiggywiggy for hate and shame. Love, kindness, an openness for understanding and ability to forgive and understand that we all have our own journeys and stories so we may move forward towards a kinder more beautiful world where #BlackLivesMatter. That is what I am for. 

“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” - Maya Angelou

BTW, here is another article I found useful in educating myself, written by Rachel Cargle for Harper's Bazaar: Black Lives Matter Explained.

I am not here to shame, call out, or make assumptions about you in regards of how you research your knowledge, practice empathy, and take action. I wish and hope the same for me, but I understand that right now some people would rather focus on being critical instead of focusing on the intention and desire to become an ally.

We are all in this together friends. What is important is we all realize what the common destination is. How you get there and what time you get there, well I can't control that nor do I have the right to, though I might text you and be all "Hey, you still coming?" or "Hey did your car break down, I'm worried about you, you said you were going to be here a couple hours ago...everything ok?"

I know I am not alone in my feelings. So many of my friends are facing the same myriad of emotions I am feeling. We're struggling with the unknown, chasing potential answers that lead to dead ends (busy tones, disconnections, simply being told "sorry bout it") and reverberating between a surge of hope and moments of loss.

It is exhausting. I am exhausted. Aren't you? I find myself yawning and wanting to crawl into bed by 8 PM. 

So far not a single one of my weeks have really mirrored one another. I hate this so much. And I know and am keenly aware this is the same for so many of you, but I wanted this time and space to just throw up my hands and silently scream "WHEN IS THIS GOING TO BE OVER?!" Of course in real life this sentence was peppered with some vulgar words, but hey, this is the realm of AV, and in the land of AV I am always a lady, though sometimes the lady doth protest!

And yes, my woes are going to be quite trivial to some. My husband and I are still working (though twice as hard and as much for the same results), we don't have to worry about a mortgage, we can still pay our rent, we weren't suddenly laid off from our jobs, we don't have school aged children we suddenly need to reconfigure everyday life for...

A big part of me wants to shut out the news and social media and live in a bubble where life is beautiful and everything is F-I-N-E but I'm also a realist and honestly sometimes when I see posts of just "Breathe, just embrace the moment...meditate" I'm like *eye roll*. 

However, yes, DO EMBRACE the moment. And not in a fancy-free-la-ti-dah sort of way. But get in to it with your anger and sadness and grief and confusion that you're feeling. Embrace that you might feel a bit guilty because you don't have it as bad as others (yes, I have felt this). This is of course a more deep rooted emotion for me as I'm an immigrant and have grown up always being reminded of HOW LUCKY I WAS that out of all my cousins and friends I was the one that now lives in America, so stop asking for things and be grateful! It's fine that you're annoyed by a lot of human beings right now and also feel a deep guttural pain for the suffering people are going through around the world. It is a lot. 

So yes. Breath. Embrace it, then let it go. You don't need to hold on to it. Acknowledge the emotion and the feelings. Then let that shit go. When another wave comes you'll be better to handle the emotions. The important thing is to let it go. Not that letting go means you care less, but stop allowing the emotions to govern the rest of your day and your future. 

I am learning that life is so precious. Our minutes are numbered. Our days are numbered. I don't want to spend the rest of this unknown time worrying and panicking about things I just do not have control of.

Does it sound a bit defeatist? Perhaps. Perhaps I am just here right now raising a little flag...it's made of linen and I've tea stained it, obviously... and I'm waving it in peaceful surrender. 

Life is life right now. In my own small ways I am going to make the best of this time dammit. I hope you will do the same. I encourage you, even though you're out of your comfort zone right now, to bring back moments of simple beauty to your everyday life. I have felt guilty about doing this for myself. Why do I feel guilty about this? I DON'T KNOW! It's not like me taking the time to make a fancy at home breakfast and making a flower arrangement for myself is going to stop anyone from contracting COVID-19. 

I think perhaps the guilt comes from those deep rooted emotions I have from when I was a kid. This feeling that if I'm enjoying something too much while being told others are suffering and don't have it as good as you, it's like I"M THE ONE actually making it worse for them. It's kind of messed up right? I'm not even being Gisele Bundchen telling people to "just meditate" while sitting cross legged in front of a water fountain wearing a kaftan that I'm sure cost at least as much as all my utility bills combined. OK, I get her message and intent and in fairness Gisele and her hubby did also donate 750K for meals for families in the Tampa Bay area... so, I digress.

Well, this was quite a long rambling post... thank you for reading it. Can I give you a virtual hug? I hope you're ok in your corner of the world. And as trite as it may sound, this too shall pass. Maybe not soon. But it will.