Just A Bit Beyond My Comfort Zone

It's officially been a month since we've shuttered the doors of the retail shop and a month of mostly working from home and adjusting to an ever changing daily routine. As a creature of habit and someone who very much thrives on routine, this past month has had me feeling very out of my comfort zone.

I know I am not alone in my feelings. So many of my friends are facing the same myriad of emotions I am feeling. We're struggling with the unknown, chasing potential answers that lead to dead ends (busy tones, disconnections, simply being told "sorry bout it") and reverberating between a surge of hope and moments of loss.

It is exhausting. I am exhausted. Aren't you? I find myself yawning and wanting to crawl into bed by 8 PM. 

So far not a single one of my weeks have really mirrored one another. I hate this so much. And I know and am keenly aware this is the same for so many of you, but I wanted this time and space to just throw up my hands and silently scream "WHEN IS THIS GOING TO BE OVER?!" Of course in real life this sentence was peppered with some vulgar words, but hey, this is the realm of AV, and in the land of AV I am always a lady, though sometimes the lady doth protest!

And yes, my woes are going to be quite trivial to some. My husband and I are still working (though twice as hard and as much for the same results), we don't have to worry about a mortgage, we can still pay our rent, we weren't suddenly laid off from our jobs, we don't have school aged children we suddenly need to reconfigure everyday life for...

A big part of me wants to shut out the news and social media and live in a bubble where life is beautiful and everything is F-I-N-E but I'm also a realist and honestly sometimes when I see posts of just "Breathe, just embrace the moment...meditate" I'm like *eye roll*. 

However, yes, DO EMBRACE the moment. And not in a fancy-free-la-ti-dah sort of way. But get in to it with your anger and sadness and grief and confusion that you're feeling. Embrace that you might feel a bit guilty because you don't have it as bad as others (yes, I have felt this). This is of course a more deep rooted emotion for me as I'm an immigrant and have grown up always being reminded of HOW LUCKY I WAS that out of all my cousins and friends I was the one that now lives in America, so stop asking for things and be grateful! It's fine that you're annoyed by a lot of human beings right now and also feel a deep guttural pain for the suffering people are going through around the world. It is a lot. 

So yes. Breath. Embrace it, then let it go. You don't need to hold on to it. Acknowledge the emotion and the feelings. Then let that shit go. When another wave comes you'll be better to handle the emotions. The important thing is to let it go. Not that letting go means you care less, but stop allowing the emotions to govern the rest of your day and your future. 

I am learning that life is so precious. Our minutes are numbered. Our days are numbered. I don't want to spend the rest of this unknown time worrying and panicking about things I just do not have control of.

Does it sound a bit defeatist? Perhaps. Perhaps I am just here right now raising a little flag...it's made of linen and I've tea stained it, obviously... and I'm waving it in peaceful surrender. 

Life is life right now. In my own small ways I am going to make the best of this time dammit. I hope you will do the same. I encourage you, even though you're out of your comfort zone right now, to bring back moments of simple beauty to your everyday life. I have felt guilty about doing this for myself. Why do I feel guilty about this? I DON'T KNOW! It's not like me taking the time to make a fancy at home breakfast and making a flower arrangement for myself is going to stop anyone from contracting COVID-19. 

I think perhaps the guilt comes from those deep rooted emotions I have from when I was a kid. This feeling that if I'm enjoying something too much while being told others are suffering and don't have it as good as you, it's like I"M THE ONE actually making it worse for them. It's kind of messed up right? I'm not even being Gisele Bundchen telling people to "just meditate" while sitting cross legged in front of a water fountain wearing a kaftan that I'm sure cost at least as much as all my utility bills combined. OK, I get her message and intent and in fairness Gisele and her hubby did also donate 750K for meals for families in the Tampa Bay area... so, I digress.

Well, this was quite a long rambling post... thank you for reading it. Can I give you a virtual hug? I hope you're ok in your corner of the world. And as trite as it may sound, this too shall pass. Maybe not soon. But it will.